Pen Pal: Felicity, the mechanical middleman and Milo

“Exclusively breast pumping was not how I had planned to feed my baby.”

The lowest point came one evening about a month in when I was particularly frazzled. Sitting down on the couch, a double electric pump chugging away on my boobs, my husband pointed out that I hadn’t screwed in the bottles. Milk dripping down my thighs, all I could do was cry and then laugh hysterically.

Before my baby, Milo, was born I had given feeding some thought and considered myself quite open minded about it. I would try breastfeeding but if it didn’t work out then I would use formula and not punish myself trying to make it happen.

While preparing for labour, a friend loaned me a breast pump, and another dropped round a tub of formula milk that she hasn’t used. I put both away, grateful for a bit of security in the event that breast feeding didn’t work out as I’d heard how difficult it could be, particularly at first.

On the Big Day in June, I experienced a smooth nine hour labour and it was only afterwards that things got tricky.  Friends had recommended asking for help with breastfeeding on the labour ward, however I gave birth during our first national lockdown and it was understaffed and overstretched, meaning the support I so needed just wasn’t there.

After taking Milo home we experienced a number of setbacks including a scary trip to A&E resulting in another stay in hospital. It turned out Milo had jaundice, which can cause major sleepiness in babies resulting in less feeding. Assigned to our own room this time, a fantastic midwife gave me lots of support and checked my latch, which she said was fine. There was mention of a small tongue tie but apparently it was nothing to worry about.

We got home after one night, a little confused and our confidence knocked, but Milo seemed to be feeding well.

A couple of days later, however, my milk came in and my boobs became hard as rocks. Milo was having trouble latching onto them and I became the owner of a pair of very sore, very cut nipples.

When my midwife came for her first visit on day six, she found that Milo had lost weight since our hospital stay, and after viewing my lacerated boobs, said that my nipples were quite flat (news to me) and I should try expressing instead. This would give my poor boobs a chance to heal and allow us to monitor Milo’s milk intake.

After she left, I nervously strapped on a single electric pump and was relieved to see the little plastic bottle filling with milk – I could feed my baby breast milk, give my boobs a break and my husband could take over feeding!.

I decided right there and then that this would be how I would continue to feed Milo for as long as I could. My aim was to exclusively pump for six months and took to Google to find out more. Resources on exclusively breast pumping are frustratingly scarce but I found lots of useful information on American support pages and joined a facebook group called Exclusively Pumping Mamas, which offers heaps of support from other mums mainly based in the US.

“I also quickly learned that exclusively pumping is a labour of love”

Spending hours day and night strapped to a pump, cleaning and sterilising bottles and pump parts, all while dodging mastitis and caring for a newborn is nothing short of punishing at times.  It’s also pretty expensive. A double pump that’s up to the job, plus ideally a handsfree bra or two, plenty of bottles, a steriliser, milk storage bags and replacement pump parts don’t come cheap.

It’s recommended, in order to build milk supply, you pump every three hours for the first couple of months. I set eight alarms on my phone through the day and night and came to dread its regular chirps that always seemed to occur just as I lay my head on the pillow for a sweet nap.

One of the few plus points of giving birth during a pandemic was that my husband  was off work on furlough, so we took turns sleeping in shifts. As I learned more about pumping and establishing my milk supply, I was eventually able to enjoy five hours of uninterrupted sleep from 9pm, waking for a middle of the night pump.

Despite watching my beautiful baby grow strong and healthy on breastmilk, I began to dread the feeling of pumping and would daydream of building a bonfire and placing my breast pump on top of it.

I longed to reach for Milo in the night and simply place him on my boob – no need for the mechanical middle-man, even more so, I desperately longed to sleep while he slept.

Tired and fed up with sore lumpy boobs, I decided to wean from the pump and switch to formula when Milo was lovely and sturdy, at around three months old. This, perhaps unsurprisingly, coincided with my first real episode of ‘mum guilt.’

I didn’t take the decision to switch to formula lightly, but it became clear to me that the dogged urging of new mums to breastfeed from midwives, pregnancy books and even from well-meaning family members, had caused me to place incredible pressure on myself.

“What Milo really needed was a happy and well rested mother who wasn’t fantasising about setting fire to breast pumps.”

The subject of feeding babies is highly emotive but we’re all doing our best; some women can breastfeed easily, others opt for formula from the get go, and some can comfortably exclusively pump for a year and beyond.  What we all need is increased support and less judgement, and I’m pleased to confirm that at six months old, Milo is a happy, healthy, squidgy baby with a happy, healthy (slightly squidgy) mum.

If you have any advice on exclusively pumping please get in touch and share your Tips for Tits and Teats! You can find tips from Feed on our expressing and pumping pages.

Thank you so much Felicity for sharing your story.

Love Team Feed x